Tuesday, January 27, 2009

A Kind of Coming Out and a Confession

Well, for those of you who haven't figured it out already, I'm a submissive.

A what?

A submissive. Someone who's foremost desire is to submit and please, who is happiest and healthiest with someone else else in control.

I had a big long post semi-written up where I explained all of this, and then realized what I was doing.

I was trying to justify myself, but there's no justification needed.

I am a submissive. I am not weak, or stupid, I'd just much rather my dom (Chris) be in control.

It's honestly that simple. I don't know why I've been so ashamed of the way I am for so long. So ashamed that I've been writing about it at another site instead of just coming out and saying it.

That is who I am. I am no longer ashamed of being who I am.

More anon.

Saturday, January 24, 2009

God I hate being sick...

Right now my head resembles a mucus-filled brick.

Unfortunately I have 2 posts that I must right, but coherency is eluding me.

Can't wait for the tylenol to kick in.

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Inauguration Day Activities

Today, while some people are worshiping at the altar of the Obamessiah, and many are just grumbling, I'm off to do something useful.

In half an hour I will be off to take the Census Workers test. Hopefully in a few weeks I'll be earning some extra cash for the household in the ultimate of fixed-term, flexible contracts.

And, honestly, I consider it somewhat of a patriotic duty to do what I can to ensure an accurate census. It is not lost on me that the census determines electoral votes, and may be a major factor in the next presidential election (not to mention reassigning House seats).

So I'm off to do what I can to land a job in the 2010 Census.

Wish me luck.

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

That's something I never hope to do again...

I just finished filling out the third-party report for Chris's mom's disability claim.

That sucked.

I'd never thought of the many ways she's incapacitated at once before and it just reminded me how much her situation sucks, and how she should be dead by now.

But she's not, and if there was a worse way of handling her condition, I don't know what it is.

Goddamn pride. She's full of it.

Despite the gaps in her memory, despite the brain damage, despite her physical difficulties, she's utterly convinced she should be able to handle this all by herself and that if she hands over control, she might as well be dead.

Her pride is her biggest problem at the moment, and unfortunately its not just affecting her. It affects the rest of us too, as we struggle to keep a roof over her head and her pain meds filled despite her either being passive or actively working against us. She doesn't want the help, and it galls her to need it.

It makes taking care of her difficult at the best of times. There's a reason I drive her around; I'm the best at biting my tongue and I bite it a LOT. But at times that doesn't even work; sometimes what I think is completely innocuous small talk will set her off for one reason of another. She has huge gaps in her memory so referencing an old event sometimes upsets her, because she swears it never happened or if it did, that no one told her or invited her. I swear, the paranoia is intense. The only reason I survive as her "aide" is because, for some reason, she likes and trusts me (this would make me a rare creature indeed).


It's a difficult situation to be in, and if she was anyone else I would have thrown my hands up and said, "fuck it" a long time ago.

But she's Chris's mom. She needs taken care of. If we don't make sure she's taken care of, no one will. And since he can't take care of her, some of this load falls on me. I do it not for her, but because by making sure she's taken care of I'm easing his mind. And because I'm doing it for him, I can put up with just about anything.


But I do wish this was over, and I do wish she'd give up her goddamned pride and live in the real world with the rest of us.